How I Feel About Gossip Girl This Week

I know, lovers, it's been awhile since the new ep. I have no excuse, but please accept my insincere apologies. Plus, you're all totes jeal that I can re-watch the episodes wheneva I want since I buy them on iTunes. Suckas.

To start, Georgina is ick nast. Not even so much the character, but Michelle Trachtenberg. Just...yuck. I'm all for psycho bitches being fabulously evil, but can we get someone more attractive to play G, central casting?

"Im starved, let's grab breakfast," DOES NOT happen in college post drunk hookup. I heard that from someone.... somewhere..... Sorry, Georgina. It's usually awkwardly looking for your clothes, licking your fingers to remove last night's rogue mascara and saying, "so last night was fun, huh?" Someone made me coffee once and I was convinced chivalry was not dead.

Hold. The. Phone.....is Vanessa's skirt acid wash tie-dye denim?

Rufus and Lily are hot pieces...could they not have found someone who didn't look like a Neanderthal to play their son? Scott is so....generic. He looks like at least 5 creepy guys I knew in high school.

It's episode 3, and we have not been taken back to Constance/St. Judes. I want to see how Little J's regime change is going! Plus, most of the sartorial fun came from the unrealistic manipulations of the prep school uniforms. We cannot see uniforms if they are not in school....hellooooooo.

Ahhh Vanessa is totally a creepy boyfriend stalker!! But V, why don't you consult Facebook first, duh?! BUT, props for following your gut when you sense trouble. I've been there, and I've been right. Investigate away!

Blair is wearing the new Tiffany & Co. key collection! It's a little....blingy, but I do like it. This is the one B's wearing. Approx $2,600. I guess I just have simpler tastes...I would wear the simple gold ones. But if I was Blair Waldorf, I would wear the platinum diamond one too, so who am I kidding.

Georgina and the girl "with the MBA from Tuck" have severely stained teeth. They're rich, can they not afford professional bleaching? Or at least pick up some Crest White Strips from Duane Reed. Damn, girls, get it together.

Bree Buckley, wear a bra. You're not 14 and this isn't Friday night at the local high school football game. Gew. And stop the presses......the actress, Joanna Garcia....is 30 years old! 30! 30! 30! First of all, that's fucking ancient, please GOD don't ever let me turn 30, and second of all, while I understand this is television, and actors in teen dramas are rarely teens themselves; she is not passing for 23. She's just not. I said in an earlier post how there was something about her I didn't like, but couldn't put my finger on it? Mission Accomplished.

Kelly Rutherford needs to come back from having her bébé. I miss Lily, we're kindred souls. She used to be a ho, likes rock stars, carries a Birkin and isn't maternal. I miss the bitch.

"That's a shame, I already have my bidding paddle." "Well...I'm sure we'll find some other use for it." Blair and Chuck are kinky little kittens! Role playing, spanking....I predict a threesome next. Or an animal.

For those who have watched Season 1....Georgina needs to stop saying, "I'm a good listener." No, you're not. You're crazy, and have weird pale skin, yellow teeth and manipulate poor little boys from Brooklyn. Stop trying to make fetch happen. But props to her Google-stalking capabilities. We've all done that, have we not? No? Just me?